Life After Gus
by Rosearus
Summary: After the death of Augustus , Hazel can't find it in her to forget him . Does this mean she can never find love again ? This is Life after Gus . And the real question is : Can life after Gus even exist ?
1. The sacredness of eggs

**Hello all ! I am here to announce that I am savagely re-editing chapters continuously . So if you are to receive notification that I have updated , it is MOST likely that it is JUST a re-edit and not necessarily important unless you would like to re-read . Thanks !**

**-Lennox Rosearus**

I lay in my bed , struggling to breath . Not caused by lungs who suck at being lungs but because I'm crying . Not the quiet , pretty crying you see in movies . Like the Liv Tyler crying , that pretty crying has a whole separate category . I hate pretty criers . It's the I-can't-breathe and my-face-is-a-tomato kind of crying . The problem is I already have trouble breathing and now I can't breathe even more . So I lay there sobbing and gasping until my mom ( thank God for my mom ) bursts into my room . She doesn't even have to ask what's wrong , she just climbs into my bed and lays next to me , telling me I'm okay , it's going to be okay . She strokes my hair and occasionally presses a nice , cool hand to my cheek to cool my face down . I'm not sure how long we lay there together with me drifting in and out of sleep and my mom a warm beacon of sanction beside me .

" It's okay , Hazel . It's okay . You'll get through this , I'm here for you ." Except I don't think what she says is in this order because my head feels light and I'm struggling concentrating on her words . It's all strung together and nonsensical words that hurt my head . The only way I can explain it is like the cartoon "Peanuts" where the parents just make the "wa" sounds . That's basically all I hear at the moment when I feel her cool fingers touch my burning face and then my crap lungs starting to work again .

" Thanks , Mom ," I say finally when I've calmed down and can breathe . But it's still a hoarse , desperate gasp . Desperate because since Gus died I feel like I'm always struggling to keep my head above water .

" Sure , sweetie ," She says and squeezes my shoulder . Even though it's about three in the morning , my mom has turned A.N.T.M on and lays with me .

" I'm sorry you have to go through this ," She says , but I barely hear her . I'm trying to zone out depressing thoughts and focus on the "crappy" ( according to my dad ) show . And then after awhile , I fall into the silk folds of sleep .

I've no idea what time I wake up , but when I do , it feels wrong . It always feels wrong to wake up nowadays . Now that Gus is gone . It feels wrong that the sun shines and the birds sing and most importantly , it feels wrong that I'm alive and he's dead . I extract myself from my machine and put the nubbins from Phillip in . Carting myself to my bathroom , I first brush my teeth and then try and tame my hair . But it's hard because all I can think is Natalie Portman , V for Vendetta , Gus , Metaphor , Metaphor , Metaphor when I see myself . I may have ( am ) been a grenade , but Gus was a nuke . When I find myself in the kitchen , Mom already has A.N.T.M reruns playing and is making breakfast . I hug her from behind and thank her for staying up with me . When I see she is making eggs I can't help but think of when I was talking about eggs with Gus and him saying that only eating eggs for breakfast gave it a sacredness . When my mom is finished making breakfast we all sit down at the table . But I can't eat . Not only because my mom says that feeling like not eating is a sign of depression ( when it's actually a side effect of dying ) it's because Gus can't eat eggs anymore . And eating eggs then feels wrong .

" I can't ," I suddenly say and my moms looks up , startled . But all I can think of is " some infinites are bigger than other infinities ." Oh god my infinity was small , small enough to be unworthy to carry the invaluable legacy and memory of Augustus Waters .

" Did you say something , Hazel ?" My dad asks . I love my dad .

" No ," I say and force a bite . And then I take a gulp of orange juice . Orange juice .The Funky Bones . Oh god . The metaphorical resonances of almost forcing the kids to play on the bones . To try and leap from one bone to another . Oh god .

" Mom , I'm sorry , the eggs look delicious but I'm not hungry ." I forcefully push the plate away and let my chin fall to my chest , because I'm holding back vomit .

" At least drink your orange juice , Hazel ," My mom says ," You need the vitamins ." Oh god . And then she pushes the plate back to me which makes me get up startingly fast from my chair .

" Not thirsty ," I say and escape the room . When I get to my bedroom , I rest Phillip against my knee and call Isaac .

" Can I come over ?"

" Sure , something wrong ?" He asks slowly on the other line .

" Just in need of company ." I say and hang up . I escape from the house before I can hear protests . Car keys in one hand and carting Phillip in the other , I get in the car and drive to Isaac's .


	2. The weight of remembering

In about twenty minutes I arrive at Isaac's front door .

" Hello not-demonic-exgirlfriend ," He says happily as he fumbles for a hug .

I hug him and reply ," Went from evil to demonic ?"

" I had time to look through a thesaurus ," He says jokingly and steps aside to let me in . I close the door behind us and he finds his way to his living room .

" Counter insurgence ?" Isaac asked .

" What else ?" So we played . At first we tried to be all serious about it . At one point I took the role of suicidal player , to buy the kids a minute . An hour . A day . A year . And then we got to the point ( we always get there somehow ) to where we start messing around .

Me : Lick cave wall .

Game : I do not understand .

Isaac : Do hot dance for cave wall .

Game : I do not understand .

And then Isaac and I would end up at this point :

Game : You attempt to jump cave wall -

We would try and correct the game , it never worked .

Game: You attempt to jump cave wall , you hit your head -.

And then we would throw the game controllers down because it was never as good as it was with Augustus .

" Thanks for having me over , again ." I say .

" I'm just glad to have someone to appreciate my sexiness ," He replies .

I laugh ," Me too , I've gotten real hot lately ."

He gets all serious which throws me off ," You know what's weird ? I can't even remember what you look like , Hazel ."

This threw me off even more ," Really ?"

" Yeah , like at some point , if I don't remember someone's face , I try and picture it from their voice ."

" Interesting . Then what do I look like ?"

" I already know some from Gus . He said you looked like Natalie Portman from V from ..."

" Vendetta ," I say .

" Yeah . And I know that means you have short hair ."

" Color ?"

" Uh ... Brown ?"

" Correct ."

" Eye color ... blue ?"

" Nope ."

" Brown ?"

" Guess again ."

" Green ?"

" Correct ."

" Gus always said you were beautiful , and I don't really remember your specific features , but I'd say that's true ."

" Why so serious , Isaac ?" I asked , frustrated . I had come over here to feel like the world wasn't falling on me and so that I could smile instead of cry . And I could forget I had crappy lungs that sucked at being lungs and that Gus was dead and I wish I was dead . For some reason I was mad .

" I have to go ," I say before he can answer the previous question .

" Something wrong ? Something I said ?" He asks , getting to his feet .

" Everything you said ," I answer quietly .

" You mean your hair and eye color ?" He asks , confused .

" Not what I meant ," I say and leave .


	3. The literal heart of Jesus

About half the day passes with absolutely nothing happening . I sit sandwiched between my mom and dad on our couch , my head on my dad's shoulder . We watch A.N.T.M like always , something like season 20 or 21 . And as always , mom and I have to keep reminding dad who everyone is .

" Is that Bianca ?" Dad asks , pointing to the screen .

" No ! No !" I say , starting from his shoulder and giving him a dramatically emphasized surprise face .

" That's Chlea !" Mom interjects . For the next thirty minutes dad is able to fake interest in the show until mom announces that I should attend support group .

" Mom ."

" Hazel ."

" No ."

" Yes ! Hazel you barely get out of the house lately !"

" I went to Isaac's just yesterday , mom ."

" For an hour !"

" An hour not spent at home ."

" You're acting very ... teenagery lately , Hazel ."

" Teenagery isn't a word and it does not describe me ."

" Hazel ," She gets all serious , and I'm starting to get tired of people getting serious ," You need to go . And as your mother , I say you go ." With a loud huff of disapproval I stalk towards the door with Phillip in tow and snatch the car keys from their holder .

" I want you to thoroughly know how much I will not enjoy this !" I say as I slowly open the door .

" Love you sweetie ," Mom replies , settling on the couch next to my dad . I ignore her and make my way to the car .

I don't know how much later but I find myself making my way down the stairs to the Literal Heart of Jesus . I also don't know why , but I was very tempted to take the elevator . Like , taking the elevator would have been some sort of rebellion against my mom . Like I didn't even care enough to put in the effort to take the stairs . But instead I make my way down the stairs because the elevator is a last day's kind of thing . Once in the Literal Heart of Jesus , I treat myself to a cookie and a Dixie cup of lemonade . Anything but eggs and orange juice and bottled stars . For some reason , as I'm standing there by the table stacked with extraordinarily dull Costco cookies with Dixie cup in hand , I feel when I turn around he'll be there . Augustus I mean . That we will have our staring contest and I will win and then he'll announce his fear of oblivion and I'll elaborate . And he'll compare me to Natalie Portman and put the killing thing right between his teeth and not give it the power to kill . Then we'll go to his house and watch V for Vendetta which is still a boy movie , but is somehow our movie . But when I turn , there's no Augustus . I hope he was smiling in his capital S somewhere . I crumple the cup in my fist and throw it in the trash . There's at least six other kids already there and I happily sit myself as far away from all of them as possible . Only about five minutes later I hear the elevator opened and am greeted by the sight of Isaac being led by his mother . Whatever little frustration I had had with him the other day had disappeared and I was glad he was here . His mom leads him over to the general area of where I am and then lets him go and leaves .

" Hey Isaac ," I say and he turns to me , looking a little left and north of my head .

" Hey Hazel ," He says slowly ," Everything okay ?"

I refuse to respond with okay ," Been better ."

He settles down unsteadily beside me ," When ?"

" When there was such a thing as Life with Gus ."

He frowns and nods ," It's still hard to believe ." And after a couple moments of silence ," Hazel ? What did I say to upset you the other day ?"

" Oh it's not a big deal ... I don't want to talk about it . O- I mean , alright ?"

" Yeah . Yeah , sure . Hazel ," He says slowly . And then Patrick launches into his story and I allow myself to zone out . Afterwards , Isaac fumbles his way into a hug and squeezes my hand .

" Do you mind accompanying a blind man to the elevator ?"

" When do I not ?" I ask as he offers his arm and I grip the inside of his elbow , steering him towards the elevator . We wait for the elevator and then I guide him in , watching the doors slide closed . I allow myself to look over at him . He looks the same as always . Thick , dark glasses with the long , shiny blonde hair swept to one side . His thin face and slightly pale skin . Except he looks more worn than before . More tired .

" Hey , Hazel ?" He starts , slowly .

" Yeah ?" I ask as the doors slide open .

" Are you busy tomorrow ?" I don't know what about this bothers me . Maybe it's the way he holds himself at he asks or his tone of voice or the hesitance he shows while asking . But it bothers me .

" Other than sitting on my butt on a couch and watching A.N.T.M ? Nothing ." I say , trying to lighten the mood . He seems happy about this .

" Great , Counter insurgence 2 ," He promises and smiles . I've no idea why but our conversation continues to bother me .

" Great ," I say back as I hand him off to his mom outside a couple of seconds later . Great ...


	4. Not Ready

The next day I find myself at Isaac's doorstep in the late afternoon . I knock and only seconds later I hear fumbling and he swings the door wide open .

" Hello Hazel ," He says uncomfortably formal .

" Hello Isaac ," I return as he steps aside to let me in . We find ourselves in the living room and he immediately turns on Counter insurgence . I am greeted by the black screen . And once more , we begin at the point where we try and take it seriously . And then I turn suicidal . And then we mess with the game . Isaac turns it off so suddenly that I'm immediately confused .

" What ? You don't like my wall licking ?" I ask jokingly . And then he gets serious , which seemed constant with him and my mom lately .

" Hazel ..." He starts and this turns alarms on in my head .

" Isaac ?" I ask , confused .

" Look , there's never really been the right time . I don't think there ever will be ... But ..." He drifts off , biting his pale lip and pushing his hair ungracefully away from his glasses .

" With you dating ... Gus , I never said anything . But lately ... Now that we're hanging out more ... I just wanted to ..."

And I started panicking , hoping he would pull out of this . Say it was a joke . But God no , he kept going .

" I think I love you ," He said slowly . I get up so suddenly it startles him . The moment rips the nubbins from my nose and for a long couple of seconds they circle around my neck . I think I love you... I think I love you ... I think I love you ... The words kept ringing through my head , inescapable . Because I couldn't escape words and I couldn't escape Isaac .

" No . No you don't love me ," I say , glancing at the door .

" But I do ," He whispers ," And all this time it just seemed wrong to say it . It felt wrong to feel it for awhile ."

" It is wrong !" I yell ," Because I'll always love Augustus and he'll always love me !"

I immediately thought he would say that Augustus was dead and couldn't love me but he didn't .

" Remember when I told Augustus that I had never met anyone so aware of their physical attractiveness ? Well I've never met anyone so unaware of their inwardly , and I'm sure outwardly , attractiveness than you ."

" Isaac no . No you don't love me ," It's like I'm trying to persuade him . My head feels light but I barely notice it as he gets up and approaches me ungracefully .

" I may be a blind man ," He says quietly ," But I don't need to see beauty to know it . And I'm sorry I'm not Gus , I'm sorry I'm not your dream . But I love you ." And then my lungs start to burn , my lungs that suck at being lungs .

" No ... no ..." I whisper and realize as my vision darkens that my nubbins lay around my neck ," Augustus ..." And then I feel myself falling backwards .


	5. Visitor

**Thank you everyone that favorited and followed , it's a great feeling to have support after just uploading this a couple of days ago .**

**Thank you Desss4ever for your kind comments , I strongly appreciate it :) And also thank you for favoriting .**

**Please enjoy !**

**- Lennox Rosearus**

I wake up , who knows how long later , in the hospital . And I immediately recognize it as the hospital because God knows how many times I've been there before . My mom yelps as soon as she sees me open my eyes and flies from her tiny hospital chair .

" My Hazel , my Hazel , my Hazel , my Hazel ," She repeats , kissing my forehead vigorously .

" I'm okay ! I'm okay !" I say , grabbing and squeezing her hand .

" Oh Hazel , you scared us to death ! Isaac called the paramedics and then they called us and- Hazel !" She says , on the verge of crying .

" Isaac called the -?" I wondered then how I was even alive . I knew I had fainted ... But how could Isaac have possibly gotten the nubbins in and then manage to call the paramedics ? When I thought of Isaac's slender , probably cold , fingers touching my neck , I shivered .

" The paramedics , yes . He's in the waiting room ," She says and adds ," If you want to see him ." Did I want to see Isaac ? No . No . Not the person who was making my world crumble around me . He was supposed to be my best friend ! We were supposed to talk about Gus together , not be in love as we play counter insurgence . No , Gus first and Gus always . How could Isaac do that ? Just wait around for Gus to die and then tell me he loves me ? Two months after his death ! And then again ... He also saved my life . But he was the reason I ended up in that position anyway . No , I did that myself .

I was torn .

" I'm kind of tired , mom ," I say and yawn . Like that was convincing . But my mom was in the my-poor-baby mode and immediately nodded so vehemently I thought her head would fly off .

" Okay , okay Sweetie . You just sleep ." Sleep used to fight cancer , but now it was just fighting seeing Isaac . I don't know how long I lay there awake , but when I do fall asleep , all I can see is Isaac . I think I love you ... I think I love you ... I think I love you .

I wake up with a burning in my chest and it's still not because of my crap lungs being crap lungs . My heart hurts . I wished Gus had never died , or that I could have died and he could have lived and I wouldn't feel dread like a weight in my throat . And then Isaac would never have told me he loves me and I wouldn't have to feel like I was betraying Gus just by existing while Isaac loves me . But the world is not a wish granting factory , just like Gus said . But unfortunately I realize the complete reality of the simple statement as I hear the click of the door and it opens .

And then there's Isaac .

I feel like the will to exist in that moment just completely leaves my body . I slump and whisk my covers up to my neck , slightly impaired by the IV sticking out of my wrist and the nubbins stuck in my nose . It's kind of like that instinct kids have , like the covers keep you safe . It wasn't working . My mom whom I give a look of betrayal leads Isaac in and guides him to a tiny hospital chair near the edge of the bed . He sits clumsily and mutters a thank you before my mom gives me a look and leaves the room . It's unfortunate that I'm pretty sure I'm distracting my mom from becoming a Patrick with her other full-time profession of Hovering Over Me . Isaac waits and then turns to me , looking a little above my head .

" I'm sorry ," He says slowly ," I didn't know that you would react that way." I remain silent for a second , processing his words . I find myself staring mercilessly at his face , his face painted in silver and his hair painted in gold . He swallows thickly as the silence continues .

" How did you think I would react ?" I ask this so slowly it sounds like each word is it's own separate sentence .

He rakes his long fingers through his hair ," I certainly didn't think it would end with a trip to the hospital ."

" Speaking of which , how did you-?"

" How did I get the cannula in ?" He finishes , flicking his head to move his hair away from his glasses . I notice then how long his hair is getting .

" Yes ."

" The cannula was only inches away from your nose , Hazel . It wasn't that hard . I'm blind , not stupid ."

" I know ... I - I know ."

" Why is me loving you so hard to accept?"

" It's been two months , Isaac!"

" Why can't you not react ? Why can't I just love you and wait until you're ready to see if you love me back ?"

" Because I'll only ever love Gus !" I yell and then hear the slaps of my mother's flat coming down the hallway .

" I'd storm out , but I'm blind ," He says tersely and stands up ," Or maybe that's the reason you don't think I love you . Because I can't see you . But guess what , Hazel . I don't need to see your face to see you ." My mom comes in then with a worried expression on her face .

Isaac stops her before she can say anything ," I need some assistance storming out , ." My mom takes his arm and guides him out . Once he's gone , she comes and sits beside me without saying anything .


	6. Contradicted

The next day the hospital let me go home . They wanted to make sure the Mets weren't growing and that I didn't have any fluid in my lungs and all that peachy greatness .

Thankfully my mom didn't ask me about what happened with Isaac . My mom is great like that . So when I got home and made a beeline to my room , she was great as always and didn't ask why .

I wheeled Phillip up to my bed and plopped on my side , taking my phone from my nightside table . I smiled when I saw several texts and a couple of missed calls from Kaitlin . My heart drops when I see a couple of texts from Isaac . But no missed calls . I decided not to read Isaac's texts right away .

Kaitlin ( Two days ago ) : Hey Hazel , meet me at the mall at 12:46?

Kaitlin ( Two days ago ) : Hazel ? Why aren't you answering ?

Kaitlin ( One day ago ) : Hazel ?

Kaitlin ( One day ago ) : Hazel , are you okay ?

Kaitlin ( One day ago ) : HAZEL , ISAAC CALLED ME . ARE YOU OKAY ? CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE !

Kaitlin ( Today ) : ARE YOU HOME ?

She then proceeded to leave me panicky voicemails . I waited for a couple of moments to respond , just enjoying laying in the comfort of my own room . I straightened the cannula and then decided that I deserved to take my first shower in three days . So I throw my phone on the bed beside me and make my way towards the bathroom .

About ten minutes later I wheel myself back to my bed and fall on my stomach , stuffing a pillow beneath my chin . There's only one ring before Kaitlin answers .

" Hazel !" She shouts and I cringe , deciding to hold the phone a few inches from my ear .

" Hey Kaitlin I -."

" Hazel , are you okay ?" She yells , but the question is more of a command .

" Yeah , Kaitlin , I'm fine . It was just a stupid accident -."

" What happened ? God , how did you end up in the hospital ?"

" I accidentally slipped the cannula from my nose and fainted . I'm fine , really ."

" How did that happen ?" She asks in a way that I know that she knows that it wasn't a stupid accident .

" That's kinda what I wanted to talk about ..." So I try and recap everything that happened .

" Hazel , I think that's really sweet of him ."

" Kaitlin !" I yell and she gasps on the other end . Apparently she was holding the phone too close to her ear also .

" What ?"

" How can you say that ? What about -?"

" Hazel ! He said himself he always felt it was wrong to say . Obviously he's liked you for a long time , it's not fair to him that he should never be able to express it ! And he saved your life !"

" Kaitlin ..." I slam my head into my pillow in frustration and let out a short cry to only pop my head up ," It's been two months . I just lost Gus ... Gus !"

" You can help each other through this ! And then maybe you can see if there's room to love him when ..." She stops so suddenly I assume she's choking right away .

" Kaitlin ?"

Pure terror on the other end ," Yeah , yeah . I'm here . You know ? Hazel ? I've got to go . Talk to you later ?"

" Kaitlin !" I say in exasperation .

" We'll make plans to hang out soon ! I'm free ... uhhh... Friday ! Love you , Hazel ! Bye !" And then the line goes dead . I lay with my phone clutched in my hand and face buried in the pillow . But then my chest starts to burn and I can't breathe with my face in a pillow . So I turn towards the window , watching the clouds roll in the sky and squinting against the slanting afternoon light . I hoped it was a nice day in the Capital S . I start to doze off into a dreamless sleep when I feel my phone buzz in my hand . I roll over and open my phone , thinking it's Kaitlin . I'm not sure how many minutes I just lay there looking at my phone screen . Because it's Isaac . Not Kaitlin . I develop a headache as I stare at my phone screen , looking at the little box that says "3 New messages from : Isaac ." Even with my head pounding I decide that I have the choice to open the texts and not respond . So I do .

Isaac : We need to talk .

Isaac : Please , Hazel . I just want to talk .

Isaac : Hazel .I don't want to have ruined our friendship . Please...

And then I just kept laying there . Thinking . I think I love you ... And then my phone vibrated :

" 1 New Message from : Isaac ."

Isaac : I understand if you don't want to talk to me today . I can wait .

Me : Can I come over ?

Isaac : Of course

I felt dread in my throat and pain in my chest but I got up and headed out . As I was wheeling Phillip through the Living room my mom looked up.

" Hazel ?"

I stopped . Crap .

" Yeah ?"

" Where are you going ?"

Crap ," Isaac's ."

Her eyebrows furrowed and she set aside her computer ," No you're not ."

" Why ?"

" Hazel ! You just got out of the hospital !"

" It wasn't a big deal -."

" Don't tell me your life isn't a big deal !"

I paused ," I'll be gone just for a bit . I promise . Please ?"

The longest twenty seconds of my life later :" Fine ."

" Thanks , Mom ." I walked to her and kissed her cheek .

As I opened the door she said behind me :" I love love love you ."

I smiled ," I love you , too ."


	7. Do or die

**Hello all ! I tried to end this on a cliffhanger because I truly have no idea what Hazel would do in this situation ! So I am desperately asking all readers to PM me or comment below whether they think that Hazel should kiss Isaac or try and get out of it . Thank you for reading !**

**-Lennox Rosearus**

With the shortest feeling car ride I have ever experienced , I arrive at Isaac's . I wheel Phillip up the walkway and then pause at the door , hand frozen in the position to knock . From a second I just stand there , looking at the door and rocking Phillip . I swallow around the dread in my throat and then knock . Twice . Isaac answers and I realize for the first time that he's taller than me . He's silent for a couple of moments and I take the time just to look at him . Silver colored , slender face . Gold colored hair swept to the right over his thick , dark glasses . He was lean , but not gracefully athletic like Gus was .

Then his dark lips turned in a shy , half smile ," Hazel ."

" Isaac ."

He stepped aside to let me in and then closed the door behind me . I went and sat on his couch , and as if hearing me , settled about three feet away .

" You wanted to talk ." I say . He slowly hangs one leg over the side of the couch and curls the other beneath him .

" Hazel , you're my best friend . I don't want to endanger that ."

I open my mouth to say something but he continues ," And if that means pretending not to love you , so be it . And if that means we go the rest of our lives without me spending every waking moment trying to convince you you're extraordinary like I want to , so be it ." I lean towards him , expecting him to keep going . I was out of words .

" But if you'd give me the chance to show you my always , I'd be happy to try my best every day ."

" Isaac ... I can't . I can't just leave Gus like that ... Leave his memory ..."

" We won't , Hazel . God , no . God , no we would never leave Gus and our memory of him ."

" It's betraying him , Isaac ," I whispered .

" Hazel . You think Gus wants you to live the rest of your life alone ?"

" No , but ... Isaac , I love him ."

" And I , you . Right here , right now ," He whispers . I move closer to him and take his hand hesitantly . His cool , silver fingers lace through mine and I feel the hair raise up on the back of my neck . He almost gracefully moves my hand to his mouth and plants a gentle brush of his lips against the knuckles . Once he lets our entwined hands rest against the couch I can still feel the warm outline on my knuckles .

" Just give me a chance to show you my always ," He whispers ," Just let me show you ..." I start to feel uneasy with our hands still entwined , resting against the couch . Uneasy with the warmth of my hand against the cool of his . His other hand finds my shoulder and then my jaw , cold and gentle . And then he's leaning in and my mind is panicking . I refuse and I ruin our friendship . Let him and betray Gus ... And of course , there's only one thing I can do as he draws closer and closer .


	8. Wrong name

Resurrection meant so much more to me in the moment that our lips collided . When I decided I would not ruin our friendship forged in the flames of Augustus's explosion . I would not be the cause of another causality . I could tell he tried to be ephemeral , to give a soft brush of his lips against mine and pull away . But he seemed to forget this as the presence of his soft skin disappeared for half a second before he came back . Every emotion I thought had been buried six feet under with Gus flooded to the surface in a violent tsunami that made my crappy lungs shudder . I couldn't think of Isaac as Isaac as I curled my fingers into his dark hair . He ungracefully found the small of my back and pressed me gently closer to him . At that moment , I wished to never leave his side . He was cold and I was cold , we were two ice storms clashing into a burst of flame , bonded by fire . My mind was muddled and I was gasping when I pulled slightly away . Love … Longing … Pain … Desperation … I felt it all … But for the wrong person .

I didn't feel the word , the name , leave my lips ," Gus ..." I whispered . Isaac recoiled as if I'd struck him , every bit of color leaving his flushed cheeks . I was confused for a long moment , watching him , remembering the languid and easy way the one name had slid from my lips . It had been Isaac kissing me , but it had been Gus's name that had escaped my lips .

" Hazel ," He whispered , his pale face gleaming with an almost sickly light before it flushed deep red ," Or should I start calling you Monica ?" He slipped from the couch and to his feet in such a startlingly fast movement that I gasped . He walked across the room and rested his head against a bookcase before turning violently quickly and then -

" Isaac !" I yelled , getting to my feet . His fist came back slowly from the hole he had punched in his wall . His knuckles were bright red and painted with white dust .

" I think it's about time you left , Monica_," _he snarled . But I stood statue-still , watching as a drop of blood dripped over his hand , too much like a tear .  
When he didn't hear my retreat , he said ," Out of pity ?"

" What ?"

He turned just slightly so that I could see his cameo-like silhouette capped by dark hair ," Did you kiss me out of pity ?"

" No … No … Isaac , no ." I whispered , taking a few hesitant steps toward him . He recoiled as if he could feel me drawing closer to him .

" Than what ? You thought you could pretend I was Gus for a few moments ?" He hissed . I didn't answer for a long moment as his face flushed red again .

" Stop pretending , Hazel !" He shouted ," There will never anyone like Gus ! No one ! So stop waiting !" He yelled , his face bright red as he grabbed a vase from the bookshelf and hurled it across the room . It shattered and fell to the ground , leaving a deep indent . He took two long steps towards me until we were standing face to face .

" Stop ," He whispered . I stared up at him , watching all the violent fury drain from his face . He pressed his lips against mine angrily and then stepped back .

" I can't ," I answered in a broken voice ," My whole life has been pretend ." He made a guttural sound , much like a growl , and grabbed the side of the bookcase -

" Isaac , stop !" I screamed , making a grab for him but jumping back as the bookcase toppled .

" Leave !" He yelled back , ripping his dark glasses from his face . They fell to the floor among a litter of papers . The sightless glass blue eyes stared at me as I made an almost silent retreat . I got into my car unsteadily and didn't realize I was crying until I realized that the window wipers did not wash away the rain .


End file.
